Falling Out of Focus Read online

His sad eyes met mine once again. “You may be our size, miss, but you still smell like a human. They hate humans.”

  I closed my eyes and cried some more. It was my fault. You did this Novaleigh. You killed an entire village of fairies.

  The slight rise and fall in Neesweth chest had stopped. He too was gone. I lay by his side for a few more moments, but when the sounds of branches cracking grew louder, I ran as fast as I could to the nearest brush and hid. Out of the barren forest came three Lunatishee. One was carrying a pouch at his hip, the second used a long stick to sift through the bodies, and the third picked up the villagers or the animals and shoved them in the first one’s pouch. I had no idea what they were going to do with them and then the third one picked up Neesweth’s rabbit and took a bite out of his side with its black fangs.

  My stomach lurched. Oh no. You cannot throw up. Keep it together. Think. Stay alive.

  I waited until the creatures had cleared the field of their “prizes” before I made my way in the opposite direction of where they were headed. I had no idea where to go or what to do. I was freezing. Another right fucked situation.

  I looked at the path before me and wished I was a human size again. Making my way in a frozen tundra when you’re six inches tall is not exactly possible when I’d already sunken below my head a few moments ago. My skin tingled and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. Suddenly, I was now taller than the bush and continuing to grow. I’d gone back to my full size, clothes, shoes, and all. Be careful what you wish for around here.

  A loud shriek rang out in the distance. I guess with my increased size, came an increased scent too. So much for the ‘magic is hiding me’ theory. I took off in a dead run in the direction of a pinky-orange glow, hoping that it was a sign from the queens. Help me, please. I cried out in my mind. PLEASE!

  Chapter Fifteen

  I ran until I was out of breath. I knew I needed to keep going, but my side was cramping and my body was half frozen. The light I’d been running towards seemed like a mirage. No matter how far I ran, I was not any closer. I reached for the crystal around my neck and played with it for a few minutes. I had no idea how it worked and apparently talking to it, kissing it and/or praying to it had no real affect. It still remained dark. Had I fallen out of favor with the twin queens when the Lunatishee killed the elven village? I wouldn’t blame them if that was the case. Since I’d been here in Sacrife, all I’d done was cause trouble. I guess my bad luck from home followed me to this place too. Lucky them.

  The moon finally became visible as it shifted in the sky, and I saw the snow all around me. It went on forever. When I turned slightly to get my bearings, I fell backwards into the snow. There, to my right was a stream. How I had managed to miss it was beyond me. I couldn’t believe I’d been running beside it this entire time and never once fell into it. I shivered at the thought of the freezing water. I’d always loved to look at water and appreciated its soothing effect, but as I looked at this stream, it appeared black and there was nothing soothing about that. I cautiously continued to walk along the water’s edge, using it only as a guideline to stay on track.

  I was still headed in the direction of the light in the distance, hoping it was leading me to a place where I could get warm. Have faith, Novi. The clouds shifted and moonlight once again lit my way. I looked up and smiled as I remembered the walking song from The Lord of The Rings my nanna used to sing to me. J.R.R. Tolkien was one of her favorite authors. I started to hum, careful to keep my voice low.

  A day will come at last when I

  Shall take the hidden paths that run

  West of the Moon, East of the Sun.

  When the cloud cover cleared, illuminating the stream, I gasped. It was blood red and not stagnant as I assumed but flowing and alive. I swallowed hard. The images of the villagers, the smell of the burning wood, and the screaming––all of it played back in my head. I started to hum again, this time more shakily.

  A day will come at last when I

  Shall take the hidden paths that run

  West of the Moon, East of the Sun.

  “Nanna, what do I do? How can I fix this?” I said out loud as if someone was going to respond. Was this it, had I finally lost it?

  I slogged through the drifts and shivered with each step. The moonlight was helping guide my way, but I was losing faith, and strength, that I would make it to a place where I could be safe and warm. I saw a bridge in the distance and convinced my mind this was a sign. Maybe it’s the way to get to Hortus.

  It took me some time, but I finally made it to the stone bridge. Something about it seemed familiar too––the Fairy Bridge? But how? My mind snapped. This was it. I was home. When all this started I was in Scotland, near my grandparents’ house––near the Fairy Bridge. Hope surged. I walked faster. I was almost halfway across the bridge when the shrill sound of the Lunatishee rang out in the distance. No! My mind screamed. No!

  I started to run but tripped and hit the stone railing. I lost my footing and fell. The freezing water surrounded me, and I began to sink. I should have fought my way to the surface, but my body and my mind had made a different choice. I was still lost in Sacrife and I was frozen. All the elements of me gave up. The world would be better off without me anyway. I was free floating, drifting further and further into the darkness, and I didn’t care anymore about the consequences. The choice was made. No more guilt. No more need for redemption from all the people I’ve let down. Besides, this is just giving into the inevitable. You’re already gone anyway, I mean how else did you end up here in the land of make believe and fairies if you were still alive and well?

  I gave in to the weight around me. I’d become the Lady of the Lake without Excalibur, the damsel in distress without the prince to save her, Dorothy without her slippers or Alice without her “drink me” potion. Fantastic dreams weaved into amazing tales of triumph over obstacles. I was not triumphant over anything. I was a coward.

  “Novi, come here. I want to read you a story,” Nanna called out.

  I scampered into the room where Nanna was. She loved her library, loved her books. She had everything from children’s books to the classics. She read it all and cherished each one. Whenever my pappa was away on travel, he would find a rare book and bring it home to her as a present, and she would be overjoyed. Nanna had no need for fancy jewelry or extravagant gifts, all she wanted was to read something that transported her into another world. I think that’s where I developed my love for reading. She lit a passion within me for the written word when I was a kid, and I haven’t been able to stop the fire that burns within me since. It’s just part of who I am.

  I pulled down her copy of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz and ran my hands over the image of the cowardly lion. I remember when Pappa gave this to her. It was an anniversary gift for their fiftieth. You would’ve thought he gave her a twelve carat diamond. I slid the book carefully back into its slot and pulled down a copy of Alice in Wonderland. As I flipped through it, I smiled. Page after page I could hear Nanna’s voice reading to me. I walked back into the living room and laid down. It had been quite some time since I read this book and with the chill in the air and the clouds overhead, now seemed like as good a time as any to stay in my pajamas and read.

  “Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.”

  That quote, Novaleigh, will be one you will have to figure out on your own. That is your quest in this life––to figure out who you are and who you want to be. Your mom and I have aspirations for you but what we want most is for you to know who you are for yourself. Each of us has our own path to follow, someday you will see yours clearly.

  “But I know my path now, Nanna.”

  “Oh you do, do you? And what is the path you wish to take?”

  “I’m going to be a famous artist. Everyone will love my pictures as much as you do.”

  She smiled as I handed her my latest drawing. “You’re right, my sweet girl, everyone will love them as much as I do.”

/>   I closed the book and stared up at the ceiling. I was five at the time and my art was less than polished, but Nanna made me feel like I could’ve been the next Van Gogh. I think the last time I picked up a pencil to draw anything I was fourteen. It was about the same time I gave up anything creative for other pursuits, aka boys. I chuckled remembering the first boy I ever kissed. It started out awkward and then turned into bliss. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven until his hands started to move up my shirt, and then I twisted his arm behind his back and dropped him to his knees––a trick my burly Scottish pappa taught me. From that moment on, I shifted my thoughts to books and the arts in general. Then I met Gavin and things were great. A boy to hang out with who also loved art and books, and we got along perfectly.

  Gavin. All of my thoughts eventually led back to Gavin.

  “He wasn’t angry with me when I saw him at Nanna and Pappa’s house, he was something else. No, Gavin hated you when you saved him from the warden,” I argued with myself. “Which is true? It doesn’t matter now. Now he will either mourn your loss or despise you even more for your weakness. Why are you so weak, Novaleigh? Why?”

  Further into the abyss.

  My body jerked and I was suddenly pulled upwards in a rush. I heard my name but it was faint and almost inaudible. Who was calling me? Why was I colder now? No, not colder––warmer but only in places where I was being touched. Odd.

  Panic set in.

  OH GOD! The warden. Lithia. The Lunatishee, they found me. Again, you foolish child, why does it matter? You made your choice. You have fallen.

  “Novi! Can you hear me? Are you all right?”

  “No, she is not all right! We have to get her out of here. We have to get her to Hortus now or she will die.”

  “She’s so cold, Oliver.”

  “This is not working. I need to go to my burrow to get the proper medicine for her.”

  “And where is that?”

  “A half days journey, one way, but I will try to be faster.”

  “Will she survive that long?”

  “She will if we can level her body temperature.”

  “Then go. I will care for her until you return.”

  “I won’t let you and Novi down, Gavin.”

  “I know you care for her. Please hurry.”

  “I will.”

  “One more thing, Oliver, can you make the fire bigger for us?”

  Loud crackling sounds echoed in the distance. All of this was faint and foggy, but I heard two voices conversing even though it sounded as if it all took place underwater. Ah, yet another dream. How long does it take a person to die? Will I crossover or am I to remain in this limbo––stuck between two worlds?

  “I’ve got you, Novi. Please don’t leave me. I can’t lose you again.”

  Gavin? No. Can’t be. But all thoughts lead back to him––lead back to all your mistakes.

  Peace. Blissful peace.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I got dressed and layered myself just in case the temperature dropped or it started to rain. Before I put on my wellies, I grabbed a blanket and Nanna’s copy of The Velveteen Rabbit off the shelf before heading out the door. It was my favorite book she would read to me. The cover was as tattered as the velveteen rabbit himself, but just like him, it didn’t matter at all because real couldn’t be ugly, except to people who didn't understand. I understood. The worn edges showed the love for each word, in not only repetition but in the voices who read it to me––Nanna, Mom, even Pappa when he wasn’t busy. This story was rooted in my soul.

  'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.’

  It’s funny how the message of being authentic and vulnerable was part of becoming real and yet, for as much as I treasured this book, I failed to remember what was most important.

  “There will be things that happen to you in life, Novi that will test your strength. Your job is to rise above the challenges and not be so fragile. You are a special little girl, Novi. Never forget that, but don’t let your uniqueness cloud your vision,” Nanna whispered. “Special means you give more than you take because that is where the true magic is revealed.”

  I wasn’t special. My edges were too sharp, and I’d become someone who had to be carefully kept. My magic couldn’t be revealed. I’m so sorry, Nanna.

  Had there been lessons in other stories Nanna read to me? I made her read Beauty and the Beast at least a thousand times, too.

  The sun was now high in the sky, but the breeze still carried a chill. I wrapped the blanket around myself and made my way down to the shoreline. It was so beautiful here. My grandparent’s house was situated between the coastline and the cliffs, giving them the best of both worlds. I knelt down and scooped a handful of the cool, clear water into my hands and let it slip through my fingers. Peaceful was the only word I could use to describe how I was feeling. Despite the temperature of the water, my body felt warm and light.

  I walked over to a clearing near some shady trees and laid out the blanket. The only place in New York to find something even remotely like this was Central Park, but it was too busy to be considered a place of respite. The fast paced life of the city had me constantly plugged into something, and it felt so normal to have something scheduled every hour of the day. Why are our lives so jam packed with events that we lose out on moments like this?

  My stillness was merging with the air around me, and I felt calm for the first time in years. I didn’t want to move for fear of breaking the spell it had me under. I just want to be like this forever. I am happy here with no one expecting anything from me. Here, I can live in the space between lost and happy without judgment of my emotional state. Here, I am just Novaleigh Darrow––a girl who loves to read and draw. A woman on the verge of a breakthrough of becoming who she was meant to be. A soul who wants to be loved by someone who can accept her true nature and not the persona she portrays to make sure people feel comfortable around her.

  Tears spilled out of me as if I was being purged of all my pain. It felt so real, and I wanted desperately to believe that when I stood and walked away from this place I would feel redeemed, but I knew that was a pipe dream. The real world doesn’t work that way. The real world wasn’t a fantasy you could escape. No, the real world required sacrifice and compromise. Payment for a life travelled I supposed.

  I wonder what the world would look like if I were its creator. Would there be suffering and joy in equal measure or would it just be joyful? No, there would have to be balance––a ying to the yang. It’s the nature of all things, or so I’ve been told.

  I let my mind drift some more to the moments that made me smile. Gavin and I the first day of me going to his school. It was funny to watch him interact with the other kids. He was such a clumsy, goofy nerd, and he was different than the rest of them. He spoke perfect English, which around here was unusual. Most of the people who lived in the Isle of Skye were Scotts through and through. Gavin was the guy all the other guys made fun of because he was so incredibly intelligent, and they couldn’t keep up. And the girls, well, they were a different story. They’d all do double takes because he was tall with dark hair, and he had the most beautiful crystal green eyes. He was hot, but he was shy too, and that shyness left him vulnerable to caddy females. I’d overheard one of the girls saying to her gang of friends that they’d like to take him into the janitor’s closet and kiss him until he turned stupid. It was such an odd thing to say. Little did they know, the joke would be on them. Gavin was a helluva kisser.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey. How’s the first day going?”

  “Charming,” I said as I grinned. “Interesting girls here at this school.”

  “Yeah, they all act stuck up, but I’m sure you’ll find someone to hang out with soon enough.”

  “Maybe, but I already have a friend, and I’m not really taking appli
cations for new ones.”

  “You’re so weird.”

  “And don’t you forget it.”

  After that, Gavin and I were inseparable. His father was friends with my Pappa, and it just so happened that Gavin would always accompany him whenever he visited. His parents were divorced too. His mom was from London and when she and Gavin’s dad decided to call it quits, she went back home. That explained why he spoke without the typical Scottish brogue.

  “Novi. Please wake up.”

  “I can’t. I’m too tired.”

  “But you’re talking to me.”

  “Noooooo,” I dragged out. “I’ve fallen. I am lost.”

  “We saved you. You are here with me. Open your eyes and see.”

  I thought for a moment about what it would be like to see him again but knew in my heart he’d only be a mirage like the light in the distance I was chasing. I squeezed my eyes tighter. “No, I cannot be fooled.”

  He laughed. “You’ve done that since we were kids, and I’ve never understood why. Do you think by squeezing your eyes tight that you’re changing the channel on what’s before you?”

  My eyes flew open. “Gavin. You’re here?”

  He nodded his head but only slightly because he was holding me tight. Our bodies were joined, skin to skin, as we lay in front of a roaring fire. “What…”

  “Be still. Your body is ice cold, and this is the only way to help bring your temperature back to normal. Oliver is fetching medicine for you.”

  I sighed contentedly. “Okay.”

  “No resistance, eh?”

  “Too tired. Besides, I’d dreamed of this moment too many times to wish it were untrue. I want to be here in your arms.”

  Gavin’s heart began to race. I could hear it clearly since my head was resting on his chest. “Why does this surprise you? You know how much I love you.”

  His breath hitched. “Actually. No, I don’t.”