Falling Out of Focus Read online

  “Where have you been?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know.”

  He kissed me, and we joined the frivolities. Oliver and Cianna were there, while Dermot and Demile sat in high backed seats made of a variety of spring flowers.

  Everything was blissful.

  Everything was a blur.

  Chapter TwentyFive

  Dusk was settling in, and the party was winding down. The sky was once again the stunning hues of blue, pink, purple.

  “Is it like this every night in Hortus, Oliver?”

  “Yes. It’s perfect isn’t it?”

  “It is.”

  Beira passed by as she walked with Dermot and Demile towards the tree line. I wondered why she didn’t say anything, but I didn’t try and stop her either, for fear she’d want to hash out my issues once more. I’d made my choice, now I just needed to follow through with it.

  “Excuse me,” Oliver said in a rush before running over to Beira’s side.

  She leaned down, and he nodded his head before looking back at me. Oh great. She’s done with me, but now he’s going to be after me to make my peace.

  A moment later Oliver was back by my side, and I couldn’t help myself, I had to ask. “What did she say?”

  “That you were ready, and I was to make the preparations immediately. Are you ready to go?”

  “That’s it? No ‘Goodbye, you’ve been through the ringer and then some?’ Just an, ‘I’m all done and I’m out?’” Oliver looked at me curiously. “Sorry. Slang term for I’m leaving and have nothing more to say.”

  “That’s not true. She had a lot to say but felt it best for you to stay in your moment without any further distractions.”

  “Oh,” I said half-aloud.

  I turned to look over at Beira as she was saying goodbye to her Dermot and Demile and smiled when she waved.

  “I wasn’t leaving you. I’m trusting you and the person you’ve become. I’m always with you, Novi. Find me when you can. I’ll be waiting. Until then, my sweet girl.”

  “Wait, what? Where are you going?”

  “Home. Just like you, Novi.”

  Dermot and Demile moved and Beira closed her eyes. In the next moment I was mesmerized. The bottom of Beira’s dress was fanning out and taking root in the ground where she stood. The dark green fabric was morphing into grey-green bark and shifting from flowing to solid. Her long red hair was fanning out as the wind whipped around her in a whirlwind of leaves and twigs. Beira’s body was changing from human to––a tree? This is it. The final straw. I’m not in a coma. No, I’m mentally ill with no hope of recovery. She’s real in the divine form, but oh no, she’s a tree. Novaleigh, fall, die, breathe, at this point just do anything to make this madness end. Enough is enough.

  I looked down at Oliver. “You don’t seem surprised by this.”

  He shook his head. “I’m not. None of us are. She does it all the time.”

  “Sure. All the time. People turning into trees is completely normal. I’ll bite. Why does she turn into a tree all the time, Oliver?” I snapped.

  Oliver stepped back, and Gavin came up behind me. “What’s wrong, Novi?” Gavin questioned.

  My body trembled as I stared at the tree that was Beira. “That.” I pointed. “Beira is now a tree and it seems it happens all the time. I wanted to know why.” My voice a bit louder than I intended.

  “Okay, reasonable question, but that doesn’t explain why you are so upset.”

  “She’s gone. Just like that, gone, and soon I will be too. I’m all alone.”

  Gavin intertwined our fingers. “Not alone. Not anymore.”

  “And she’s not gone, Novaleigh.” Oliver offered. “She has to return to the white to watch over Lithia, and this is her way of leaving something for us to remember her by until we see her again. Nothing more. She’s with us always this way. In the air, the trees, the leaves, all of it,” he said with a soft smile.

  I nodded and swallowed hard. My hands were still shaking, and I was suddenly very cold. Shivers ran up my spine, and I couldn’t stop from trembling.

  “Novi, what’s wrong?” Gavin said as he rubbed my hands to warm them.

  The tinking sound had fallen silent. The voices in the distance chattered, and the space that was once filled with muffled sounds had now fallen silent.

  I looked down at Oliver. “I want to go home now.”

  He gave a quick nod and rushed to Dermot and Demile who understood, too, the sense of urgency that was beckoning me.

  Dermot took a drop of water from a leaf and let it roll over his fingertips for a moment. It began to grow until it was the width of his wingspan. He flicked his hands, twisting the water portal from flat horizontal to vertical. “Let’s go,” he said as he pointed to the now open space in the water portal.

  Demile stepped through first with Dermot’s help, then Cianna and Oliver, followed by myself and Gavin. At first, everything was pitch black, and I felt disoriented. When I let my eyes adjust though, I realized where I was––where this all began. The expansive lake where I arrived. The place I splashed water accidentally on Winston, and where I met the twin queens and Oliver. I looked over at Dermot.

  “Here?”

  “The place where you first arrived in Sacrife is the same place you will need to return.”

  “How is she supposed to do that?” Gavin asked.

  “Hello.”

  “Hello.”

  I turned to see the twin queens side by side, their heads slightly tilted and smiling.

  I curtsied in their direction. “It is good to see you again.”

  “You”

  “As”

  “Well.”

  “Brother,” Una said in her lilting voice as she inclined her head to him.

  “Demile,” Uphren said as they hugged.

  Oliver bowed. “A pleasure, my queens.”

  “Always”

  “Oliver.”

  The two queens made their way over to where Gavin and I stood.

  “You are different.”

  “Mother has changed you.”

  They each said as they played with the ends of my hair.

  “This, too, suits you.”

  I nodded. “I agree, but I do miss the way I looked when I arrived.”

  “So change.”

  “You have the strength within you now.”

  I looked over at Gavin. “Don’t look at me,” he said, grinning wide. “I will love you no matter what you look like.” He reached for my hand.

  I closed my eyes and thought of what it was that I wanted. Did I want to keep my black hair, return to the pink, or go back to blonde? The one thing I knew for certain was that I didn’t want the Neapolitan look. I smiled at the thought. I imagined my hair golden and glinting, saw myself as I once was and realized I was not that girl anymore. I was someone new. I needed a different look to suit the new me. Somewhere in-between. I settled on a rich dark brown, hoping it looked as good as I’d imagined in my mind. When I opened my eyes everyone was staring at me. What happened next was beyond my understanding. They all bowed to me. Not a word was spoken, just a reverence I didn’t deserve.

  I sighed and listened. No tinking sound. I was running out of time. I turned to Dermot. “What do I need to do to get home? My time is limited,” I said with a sad smile.

  “You have to go out, and then you have to fall down,” he replied as he pointed to the cliff in the distance that dropped at least fifty feet into a pool of water emblazoned with fire.

  My eyes went wide. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

  Dermot shook his head. “I’m afraid not, Novaleigh. It’s the final test of your commitment to change.”

  I ran my hands through my hair. “Trial by fire, huh?”

  “Not exactly.”

  I turned to look at Gavin. I could just stay here and we’d be together, even if it would only last awhile. Something was better than nothing. I stepped closer to him and wrapped my arms around him. “I love you
,” I whispered.

  Gavin gently caressed my cheek. “I’m so grateful for the chance to love you again.”

  “I have to go now, but I will find you soon. I promise,” I replied as I kissed him. “I wish I could take you with me, but I can’t. I have to do this alone.”

  He kissed me again. “I know.”

  I reluctantly stepped away from him, releasing our hands and walking over to Una and Uphren. “Thank you for everything. Your favor kept me safe and guided me back to a place of peace.”

  I wasn’t sure if it was allowed, but I did it anyway––I hugged them both. They were taken aback at first but returned the hug in kind. “You’re welcome,” they said in unison.

  Only a few more thank you’s to go, and I was ready to accept my fate. I had no idea if falling was going to work, but it was my only option at this point. I didn’t attempt to hug Dermot and Demile. They radiated an energy I was afraid to touch, power so big it felt electric. Instead, I bid them farewell with all of my gratitude. I asked them to take care of Oliver and Cianna, Beira, and Gavin for as long as he would be here. I didn’t know what would happen to him without me being a part of Sacrife, but I felt like if he were here on his own accord, he deserved their favor. They agreed and wished me well but also urged my departure.

  “I can send you close with Oliver as your guide, Novaleigh, but you must not delay any longer,” Dermot stated matter-of-factly.

  “I understand.”

  He opened another water portal and sent Oliver and I to the place where I needed to fall. When the portal closed I dropped to my knees. Fear gripping me. “How am I supposed to just fall off a cliff, Oliver?”

  He lifted my chin to meet his eyes. “Faith.” Tears filled my eyes. “Look at all you’ve endured since you’ve been here. Did you think you would’ve survived that?”

  I shook my head.

  “But you did. You will survive this too,” he said as he wiped a tear from my cheek. “And just think, the real Gavin is just a thought away. He’s waiting for you. He and your mom.”

  “I know,” I cried. “I’m going to miss you, Oliver.”

  “I will miss you too, Novi, but we’ll see each other again one day. I’m sure of it.”

  I bit my lip as my chin trembled. I hugged Oliver tightly and finally released him when I found the strength to move. “Okay. Let’s do this.”

  Oliver guided me to the edge. The waves crashed against the rocks down below and the pink and blue flames danced over the surface. I had no idea if they were real or not, and at this point, I didn’t really care. It was time to go home. Time to live a new life.

  “Will the flames burn? Will I drown in the crashing waves?”

  “Just breathe, Novi.”

  I looked down one last time and realized I didn’t want to fall head first. I thought about how Gavin and I used to make a game of falling with our arms spread wide into the fairy pools and thought that was how I wanted all this to end––Gavin and I falling backwards into the unknown, all the while praying for the outcome we dreamed of.

  “Goodbye, Oliver,” I said as I stepped backwards and fell off the cliff.

  Chapter TwentySix

  I fell into the water with a large splash and sunk like a stone. My feet guided the way as I drifted further into the murky depths.

  Down.

  Down.

  Down.

  The water around me was freezing and felt as if my bones were going to snap from the pressure. It was the same way I felt when I arrived. The only difference was, this time I wasn’t afraid.

  “Breathe,” Oliver’s voice reminded me.

  I coughed and sputtered as I took my first breath. When I opened my eyes, my mom and Gavin were at my side, crying out their thank you’s and gratitude to an unseen force. I was out of the coma. I was back…I was home. I focused my eyes on my mom and squeezed her hand as I looked at her beautiful face. Then I turned to Gavin. The love in his eyes was unmistakable, and I knew we’d weathered yet another storm.

  He looked almost the same as the Gavin in Sacrife, the only difference was the scruff around his face. I went to speak, but my voice was only a whisper. “Hi.”

  His eyes filled with tears. I’d only ever seen him cry once before and that was after his mother died, but these tears were different. There was no sadness, only joy.

  Gavin squeezed my hand harder and kissed my fingertips. “Welcome home.”

  One Year Later...

  It’s been a year since I fell and woke up. I’m much better now and about a thousand times happier. I started this journal as a way of documenting my thoughts. I don’t ever intend on sharing it with the world, but who knows, maybe there’s a story in here somewhere. It certainly has all the elements of a great fairytale.

  Today is exactly one year to the day since I was in Sacrife with the fae and Oliver. It seems like only yesterday and what a difference a year can make. The doctors told me I had an out of body experience because I was so close to death, but I know in my heart it really happened. I was in the land of the Fae and met some truly amazing beings.

  When I was well enough, I flew home to New York and said goodbye to the city that never slept. Not because I didn’t love it, but because Scotland and a new life were waiting for me, and it was time to go. I sold my furniture, shipped everything that was sentimental and of value back home, and said goodbye to everyone who mattered to me here, including Mr. Kline and Ethan. I didn’t do it for them, I did it for me. I wanted to start the new chapter of my life without any baggage. I’d been given a second chance to live the life I’d dreamt about, and I wasn’t going to let anything stand in my way.

  I learned a lot in Sacrife. I learned how to live with my demons instead of letting them control me. I still have my bad days, but don’t we all? It’s a part of living. The sacrifice you have to make to feel the good. If you never experienced loss or pain, how would you know what it felt like to embrace happiness in its purest form? I don’t ask those questions anymore. Instead, I exist in a place of gratitude whenever fear and doubt creep in.

  Not much still exists of my former life other than my love of reading and editing. I live in my grandparent’s house. I work from home, reading manuscripts for publishers and giving them my thoughts, and I don’t take on more than I can handle, but I read every day. I also write now. Originally, I thought I’d write about my journey but realized no one would ever believe a story about a girl who lost it all but gained so much more when she fell into a land of magic. So I decided I’d become a children’s author and write fairytales. There, I can tell any story I want, no matter how fantastical and people will take away whatever they needed from it. I’m about ninety percent into my first book. Only two people have heard it so far, but they seem to love it. I’ll pray the world will too.

  I take daily walks out into the forest to visit my trees. Nanna and Pappa are forever with me, Oliver too. There’s a family of otters that live just off one of the banks on the property. I know it’s not my Oliver, but I imagine it is. It’s my greatest joy to envision Oliver and Cianna staying close to watch over me just in case I ever fall again.

  My mom still works in Glasgow but spends some weekends and all of her vacations here with us. Gavin and I got married about two and half months after my accident. I didn’t see the point in waiting any longer to start the life I should’ve been living all along. He’s doing well. He owns a local pub and manages a restaurant with a buddy of his from London. We have a happy life, and it’s about to get even better. We’re pregnant. Little Miss is due to arrive any day now. In fact, she’s already three days late. I threaten eviction daily but she doesn’t listen. Gavin says she’s already like me, wanting to do things on her own time and not when she is supposed to. I hope that won’t continue to be a theme once she arrives, but I’m certain it’s a sign of things to come. God help us all if I ended up with a mini me. I’m hoping she takes after her father.

  We’ve decided to name her Faeth. We thought it suited her and
us. I chose to spell it differently to honor those who made her possible, and we both know it took real faith to bring me home. She’s our greatest blessing, after the gift of us reuniting. I didn’t expect this much happiness, I really didn’t. I think when you allow yourself to think about nothing but the things that are going wrong, there’s no room to see all that is going right.

  Before I fell, I always felt like I was drowning even when I was nowhere near water. Lost in the sea of life with no place to turn. Sure, there were days when I felt as though I could’ve taken on the world, but on those other days, it was as if my inner dialogue of “I’m not good enough” was threatening to drown me in its dark abyss. The day I let all that fear and worry consume me was the day it all changed. I slipped off that bridge and fell into the void I’d always dreamt about. The thing was, that was also that day I started to live. Odd, but absolutely true. The simplest answer I’ve been able to come up with for this is––you need to fall before you can rise.

  Sacrife taught me that living in the space between life and death was not really living. I thought it was a place where I would feel alive, because in that moment, I just wanted to feel something––anything. Instead, I felt nothing. I think we all have pendulum swings between great happiness and total emptiness, but the key is to lessen the distance between the two emotions. Before my fall, I felt like I was on a ride at the fair where the carnival worker found great humor in letting me suffer because he controlled the lever to make it all stop. But now, I’m in control. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate the pendulum swing of emotions because I’m a “I have it all together” kind of gal, but I’m so grateful that I no longer have to deal with it alone. I can be the dichotomy of two beings living within the same body. The difference now is we communicate with one another to embrace the light and the dark. Trust me, grey is a much easier hue to manage.