Falling Out of Focus Read online

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course,” she replied kindly.

  “Is your name Great Mother?”

  “To most, but to others my name is Beira” she said as the corner of her mouth lifted. “It’s not often, though, that people use my given name.”

  “May I call you, Beira?”

  “I’d like that.”

  “Will you call me Novi? It’s what all my friends call me, and I think I’d really like it if you did too.”

  Beira’s smile widened. “Novaleigh is a beautiful name. Why do you wish to shorten it?”

  “Because sometimes I don’t feel like I live up to its potential, and Novaleigh is a mouthful.” I laughed as we continued on the trail.

  “First skeptical and now self-deprecating, why do you do this to yourself?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. I just do. I have all the confidence in the world about some things, but then on others, I just…don’t.”

  “You shouldn’t doubt yourself. You have many talents and such wonderful gifts to share. The things you think are bad, others find endearing.”

  “I guess.”

  “So why do you feel as though you don’t live up to your potential, Novi?”

  “I was named partially from the word supernova and my nanna’s middle name. My mom and Nanna were super close so they combined the names and voila,” I said flippantly. “I haven’t really lived up to my ‘rare celestial phenomenon namesake,’” I air quoted.

  “Have you tried?”

  I went to reply but stopped. Had I tried? I’d followed what I thought was my path, and it ended up as a dead end. Not just a dead end but one that spiraled into a vortex of crazy. I landed here, in a land of make believe, since I was incapable of making my life what I wanted it to be, I created one––in my mind.

  “I told you, Novi. This is not a dream.”

  My mouth dropped open. “I didn’t say that out loud.”

  “You didn’t have to,” Beira replied. “I can hear your thoughts.”

  My lip started to quiver. Once again I felt like I was falling apart. Open and raw for all to see.

  “Novi,” a voice beckoned off in the distance. “Thank god you’re safe.”

  Gavin and Oliver were running towards Beira and me, Gavin at a faster clip and making a beeline right in my direction. When he reached me, he picked me up and kissed me breathless.

  “Please don’t ever scare me like that again. I’ve lost you twice now. I can’t lose you anymore.” He kissed me again, long and intimate, as if no one else was around, but everyone was around––staring. Gavin set me down and looked at Beira and Oliver. “Sorry,” he said unabashedly.

  Oliver and Beira grinned before turning to walk ahead of us. Rafe came barking past, acting like a puppy.

  “Cute dog,” Gavin said as he ran between us.

  “That’s no dog,” I said half aloud.

  Chapter Twenty

  Gavin intertwined our fingers as we walked, ignoring my comment about Rafe. Maybe he already knew. “Gavin. Where were you? I tried to find you and Oliver, but you were both gone. Did you leave me?”

  Gavin stopped and pulled me to him. “No. I would never have left you. Oliver either. We were taken by these freaky looking clown characters and bound to some trees. I could hear you calling for us, but our mouths were covered and our hands and feet bound. We were helpless to do anything.”

  “How did you get free?”

  “Fae warriors from Hortus. They found us and brought us back here. We tried to go after you but were told the Great Mother had you and you would be along soon.”

  I hugged him tighter. “She saved me.”

  “I’m grateful,” he said as he kissed me again.

  “Gavin,” I said between kisses. “I’m sorry I brought you here. I didn’t mean to.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I didn’t mean to bring you here to Sacrife––you’re here because of me. You were taken because of me.” Tears began to slide down my cheeks. “Beira said that until I can make peace with myself, I...I mean we, are stuck here.”

  Gavin gripped my chin and lifted it so we were face to face. “I don’t care, Novi. As long as I am here with you, I don’t care where we are.”

  “I love you, you know that right?”

  “For a long time I thought you didn’t, but I now know you do. I know you’re sorry and for me what’s in the past in just that, in the past. From this moment forward, we are together. Whatever we encounter we will encounter it together. Forgive yourself, Novi. I already have.”

  I bit down hard on my inner lip and tried to refrain from losing it. Beira had said the same thing. Why is it that everyone keeps telling me to forgive myself? How can I forgive myself for something I cannot make up for?

  “Novi? What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” I said as I wiped my eyes. “Maybe we should go.”

  “Sure,” Gavin replied as he held my hand again. He squeezed it once, hard. His way of letting me know he would give me the space I needed to talk to him in time. Gavin knew me better than anyone; he knew if I was avoiding my feelings, I needed time to process them before I would talk about them. It was just my way. Thankfully, Gavin understood that. “It’s getting dark and I’m hungry. These fae really know how to cook.”

  I chuckled. “I could eat.”

  Gavin reached for a lock of my hair. “What happened to the pink?” He grinned.

  “Beira taught me how to change it?” I replied reluctantly.

  “I like it. Dark and mysterious. It’s sexy.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, like, I want to take you behind those trees over there, sexy,” he teased.

  I smacked him on the shoulder. “Oh stop.”

  “Hey, I’m just being honest.”

  We strolled hand in hand through the forest with a comfortable ease between us. It was like it used to be, no tension, just two people who truly loved being with one another. As we continued on, I shifted my focus from Gavin and me to our location. Hortus was not hidden like Cadent and I wondered why, but Beira and Oliver had moved out of our view so I couldn’t pose the question. Was it unique to the other places or had we already crossed through the portal and were now within the hidden boundaries?

  Gavin and I walked until we were greeted by the most unusual looking fae––scantily clad females were adorned in gold chains, while a mossy-like material covered up only bits and pieces of their pale skin. The males were sleek and slender, their shirtless torsos heavily tattooed and marked with silver symbols. They were beautiful in their natural state and unashamed of their bodies. A fae woman walked by and was unlike the others. She had horns, but I couldn’t tell at first glance if they were part of her or if they belonged to a headdress, because along with the horns there was a mass of feathers and tree bark. She was stunningly beautiful and was wearing more gold than the previous women I’d seen pass by. I wished Oliver was here so I could pepper him with questions. I bet he knew each one of these fae by name.

  We followed the smell and found ourselves in a large dome shaped building. It looked like a great hall, with tables and chairs spread all around. There were lanterns hanging from the ceiling and two ornate wooden thrones positioned at the very front of the room. Fae were bustling about with food and drink, none of them seemed to be concerned by my and Gavin’s appearance into their dining hall. Suddenly, everyone froze and bowed. From behind the thrones, two curtains were pulled back and out walked Beira followed by a male and the female I’d seen earlier with the ornate headdress. They walked together, hand in hand, and moved to sit in the chairs with Beira standing just to the right of them. Who were they that the Great Mother was not seated yet they were?

  “Thank you all for joining us this night,” the male spoke in a deep voice. “I’d like you all to welcome our guests, Novaleigh and Gavin.” He raised his hand and pointed to us, and the crowd turned in our direction.

  I l
ifted my hand and gave a faint wave. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. Gavin seemed a bit more comfortable, but I assumed that was because he’d already mingled with them before I arrived. Beira inclined her head in our direction, and I responded in kind.

  “Please, make yourselves at home, my people welcome you with open arms.”

  “Thank you,” I said over the din of the crowd.

  As soon as I spoke, the fae offered greetings and went back to what they were doing.

  “Follow me,” Oliver said as he came up behind us.

  “Oliver, where have you been?”

  “Never mind that. Let’s eat.”

  “Hey wait,” I said as I reached down and touched his shoulder. “Why is the Great Mother not sitting and who are the two people that are?”

  “The village had no idea she was coming and weren’t prepared. She told them not to fuss, she’ll find a seat somewhere, and that is her son and his wife. They are the king and queen of this land,” he replied before moving towards the head of the room.

  “Oh,” I stammered.

  “Follow me. We’re sitting near the front,” Oliver said as he made his way through the crowd.

  Gavin and I followed until we reached a long rectangular table set a few feet away from where the king and queen were seated. I stared at them both until we eventually made eye contact. I couldn’t help myself. Their beauty was intoxicating, just like all the other fae I’ve met here in Sacrife, and yet there was something different about them…something otherworldly. I didn’t want to take my eyes off of them. I inclined my head and mouthed thank you to them both before finally looking away.

  “Novi, sit here,” Oliver said with a smile.

  To one side of me was Gavin, and then across the table was Oliver and a female otter. She was smaller than him and her coloring was more fawn than taupe. I could tell though, by the way they interacted, they were connected somehow. She was dressed in a pale green dress with an intricate leaf design cut into the layers of her skirt. She handed him a plate and kissed the tip of his ear before she left to go back to the banquet table. Oliver blushed, and I stared right at him until he was forced to look at me.

  “What?” Oliver asked.

  “Who was that, Oliver?” I teased.

  He was shoveling in food when he stopped mid bite. “Cianna is my mate.”

  My brow lifted as I stared him down. “Why didn’t you tell me you were married?”

  “We’re not like humans, Novi. Marriage is not really a thing for us. Otters simply mate for life.”

  I smacked the paw he had lying on the table. “You should’ve told me you had someone waiting for you. I cannot believe you have been out there with me risking your life and she’s been here––worried I can assume.”

  Gavin chuckled at how Oliver was squirming in his seat.

  Cianna came back to the table and took a seat next to Oliver. She was quiet and peaceful with delicate features, and I marveled at what a kind soul she must have to be married to such a selfless person like Oliver.

  “Cianna,” Oliver offered. “I’d like you to meet Novaleigh and Gavin. They are the ones I’ve been helping.”

  “Oh,” she stammered as she set down her fork and reached across the table, her paw extended in greeting. “It’s delightful to meet you. Oliver has been telling me wonderful things about you. Are you feeling better?” Cianna said in a lilting tone.

  I took her paw and shook it gently. “It’s pleasure to meet you. Thank you, too, for letting us borrow him. He’s been wonderful and very helpful to Gavin and me.” Gavin leaned in and offered his hand to Cianna as well.

  After we all exchanged pleasantries, Gavin and I left to go grab some food. When we returned, the king, queen, and Beira were also sitting at the table. Oliver and Cianna had shifted to make room for everyone. My breath hitched again when I looked at the stunning young couple. What is it with the two of them?

  “Hello,” I said as Gavin and I sat in the seats across from everyone. “Thank you for welcoming us here. I promise we won’t be any trouble.”

  “I think the most of it is behind you now. Just a bit more to go, and you’ll be on your way back home,” Beira said with a smile.

  I nodded, unable to speak. Just a bit more to go. I can do this. I can face what’s next.

  Chapter TwentyOne

  Beira excused herself shortly after dinner, and the king and queen retired soon thereafter as well. In fact, the entire hall seemed to dissipate, leaving just the four of us. It had been a long day for everyone, and in my heart I knew Gavin and I needed to sleep too, but I had so many questions. Oliver and Cianna offered to stay to answer them for me. I wanted to understand more about this place and why I was here to begin with. Why I was so drawn to the king and queen; why the lands were so different from one another; and how come the fae villages each seemed to be a world unto themselves? Oliver and Cianna obliged all my curiosities and were very helpful in providing the answers I so desperately needed. Oliver said I wasn’t ready until now to hear them. I had stopped listening and only judged, but after all I’d endured, that had changed. It was time I knew about Sacrife and why it was so special.

  The fae who lived in Hortus were different than the other fae creatures in Sacrife because they were the originals. The king and his betrothed were so intoxicating because it was their nature. Beira’s first born son, Dermot, was made in her image and is the one who rules over all the magic within Sacrife. His twin sisters, Una and Uphren are favored in his eyes and granted many blessings. They rule over Aestas and the lands in-between.

  His middle sister Lithia, however, was banned to the white and forbidden to ever leave or it would result in her death. Apparently, she tried to kill Dermot’s wife, Demile, to take her place and rule at his side. Dark and tragic and very Shakespearean in context, but nonetheless a serious offense punishable by death. Beira apparently pleaded for Lithia’s life, not because she deserved it, but because it would upset the balance within Sacrife if she were to die. Beira was the mother of it all and balance had to be maintained, so she vowed to live in The White with Lithia to keep her under control. Dermot agreed, but swore if Lithia ever came close to his family again, he would kill her with his bare hands and not with his magic.

  Golar was the youngest of Beira’s five children, and while her village is hidden from view, she was no less important to the cycles that fueled the lands. Together they ruled over the seasons within Sacrife. Summer, fall, winter, and spring. Growth, harvest, death, and awakening. Every step I’ve taken since I arrived here in Sacrife was destined to be, according to Oliver. My fall was the beginning of my growth, my trip to Cadent was about reaping what I had sown, and I needed to die in Hiems in order to wake up here in Hortus. As Beira stated, I have more to learn, but I hope I’m well on my way to finding that place of peace within me. I truly welcome what is to come next or at least I hope I’m up to the challenge.

  I hugged Cianna and Oliver and bid them goodnight, thanking them both for helping me––helping us, I thought as I reached for Gavin’s hand. Without the journey and this crucial moment of understanding, I would still be questioning everything before me. I know now that I must trust what comes next, for there is a plan greater than the one I can see at work. Oliver showed Gavin and me to the home we would live in while we were here, before he and Cianna took off for their burrow. Oliver said he would be gone for a few days but would return when the moon was highest in the sky. I smiled and waved as they left hand in hand.

  Gavin and I walked into the stone cottage and were welcomed with a roaring fire and lit candles.

  “Oh, this place is beautiful,” I said as I turned slowly to take it all in.

  “It is,” Gavin said as he caught me mid-spin. “It almost reminds me of that place we used to claim as our future home when we were teenagers.” My smile dropped. “No, no. That is not why I said it. We’re done living in the past, Novi. From this moment forward, we only choose things that move us in that direction, u
nderstand?” he said as he kissed me.

  “But that place was our dream. We claimed it when we were seventeen and said one day we’d get married and raise a family there.”

  “And things change, Novi. Now we’ll need to find a new dream.”

  I sighed. “How about we decide to stay here? I like it here. I’m happy for the first time in a long time, Gavin.”

  He kissed me again and again until the tears that had been rising to the surface dissolved into another emotion. Gavin lifted me and carried me to the bed in the other room. No words were spoken, but I knew exactly what he was telling me by the way he touched me, the way his hands and lips caressed my body. This was my perfect moment. The one I’d choose to be suspended in time in, if that was ever possible––Gavin and I joined together, mind, body, and soul. He was home. He was the peace. Not the “you complete me” cliché but the “no one else makes me feel like myself” kind of completes me.

  I’ve always been the girl who walks into a crowded room and feels alone. I’m social and outgoing, but inside I’m always screaming ‘when can I leave’. Not with him. Gavin makes me want to stay. That’s what scared me so much when I was younger. How can that much calm and comfort exist in one person? I still don’t know, but I really don’t care now. All I want is to have him as my safe place to fall.

  Gavin and I spend the rest of the night entangled in one another––lost in our redemption. When the sun began to shine in the windows, I knew it was time to start the day, but I was content in his arms and didn’t want to move. A knock at the door changed that. Gavin covered himself with one of the coverings on the bed and answered it on the second knock.

  “Good morning, Beira,” Gavin said in a lighthearted voice.

  “Good morning to you, Gavin. Is the cottage to your liking?” she replied.

  “It’s great. Much better than our previous accommodations,” he teased.

  They both were laughing when I walked into the room.

  “Good morning, Novi.”